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New York Post

22 April 2005



April 22, 2005 -- Somebody, quick! Get a shoe!

The suits in charge of Sunday nights at CBS are swarming - and they need to be squished like bugs.

It was bad enough that a few weeks ago they brought us the horrid (but much-watched) "Spring Break Shark Attack," which was more "Gums" than "Jaws."

But now they are back with "Locusts," which is such a dog, it barks.

For starters, it's got Lucy Lawless ("Xena Warrior Princess") playing, yes, Dr. Reardon, the undersecretary of agriculture. This is good because when the under-secretary isn't in a tank top, she's in her underwear!

One morning, the underwear-undersecretary is listening to her husband (Dylan Neal), the famine expert, whine about how she doesn't stay home enough. When she gets a call and has to run off again, she explains: "We both knew what it meant when I accepted the post of undersecretary of agriculture." I swear.

But hey, when bugs are swarming, a woman's gotta do what a woman's gotta do.

Turns out the evil scientist John Heard (who used to be an actor) is busy making giant locusts in a lab for the defense department. These locusts don't die easy, and they don't take no crap from nobody.

But wouldn't you know it - when the locusts are delivered to an army base, the suitcase holding them falls out of the Jeep and gets run over. The case is squished but the locusts aren't. Damn! Don't you hate when that happens?

They escape and copulate like Paris Hilton, and within minutes bazillions of them are swarming - and right where Xena Warrior Doctor and the mean scientist happen to be.

Anyway, they also swarm the farm of Dr. Reardon's father (Mike Farrell), where luckily she and her estranged hubby happen to have just landed in the government emergency jet.

The bad guy general (yes, the army's involved now) wants to kill the bugs with chemical warfare (which unfortunately would also kill up to one-third the U.S. population), but she's against it. "I'm pregnant and I'm hormonal - you don't want to cross this mother," she snarls.

Dad, hubby and Dr. Xena turn the barn into the world's biggest bug zapper by rigging up an old generator. (Would I lie?) They quickly realize that a national-sized bug zapper is the solution.

My final thought? In the immortal words of one bug victim, "Hit 'em with something! Kill the bastids!"

Sunday night at 9 on CBS/Ch. 2