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TV SMACKDOWN: Lucy Lawless is on the job!

Written by Rick Dunn

21 October 2005

Contributed by Rick Dunn

Friday, October 21, 2005

by Rick Dunn

I can only speak for myself, but I would feel a whole lot safer in this increasingly dangerous world if I knew Lucy Lawless was on the job. That's right - if we can elect Conan governor of California, I think we can make Xena the head of FEMA, or even Secretary of Defense.

Just look at her resume. First, six spectacular seasons of "Xena," including the final episode where she sacrificed herself to save everyone. Lucy is willing to die for us and that's the kind of person I want in office.

Now obviously the higher-ups at CBS - and they must know something, they work in TV - see leadership qualities in Lucy. They currently have her starring in the Dr. Maddy Rierdon series of TV movies where Lucy plays a "USDA voracious insect expert." Earlier this year, Lucy helped a small town fight back a plague of bioengineered locusts in "Locusts!" This week, she takes on vampire bats in "Vampire Bats!," which are always a nuisance and a terrible inconvenience if one has long, luxurious hair like Lucy. Itís your civic duty to tune in.

In "Vampire Bats" (airing Sunday, Oct. 30; 9 p.m. Eastern time), Lucy - now a college professor - arrives in another small town after two of her students are framed by sneaky mutant bats for the death of another student. More bodies pile up, but don't worry. Why? Because Lucy Lawless is on the job! Her presence sort rings the tension out of any thriller because I don't think there is any insect, creature of the night or willful beastie that could really give Lucy a run for her money. Really, she's smart enough to wrap her head with a tasteful plumb-colored scarf that makes her look sort like a gypsy fortune-teller, which makes sense, because we all know what's gonna happen. Lucy - hell or highwater - will save the day.

The question of who could serve as Lucy's second-in-command is easily answered by "Vampire Bats," which really does serve as advertisement for Lucy's future political career. The answer: her "Vampire Bat's" co-star Brett Butler, who has often shown us "grace under fire," even when she was completely smashed and berating her cast and crew. Brett is one tough broad and clearly won't be a yes-man to Lucy.

Now, if we all behave and tune in like good citizens, the nice people at the CBS Network to Elect Lucy Lawless promise to make another Maddy Rierdon movie starring Lucy. She could possibly fight giant horseflies, mutant seahorses, or very cross beavers. Any which way, this country needs someone to believe in, a new hero to shoulder the responsibilities so far ignored by our elected officials and as far as I'm concerned, Lucy Lawless is the woman for the job.