Lucy Lawless On Politically Incorrect
TV Show
14 April 2000
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TRANSCRIPT
Many thanks to Kym Taborn the transcript
Guests on this program were:
John Carpenter Candy Ford Kennedy Lucy Lawless
Bill's Opening
Bill: Hi, I'm Dee Dee Cummings, and welcome to "Hard Edition."
[ Laughter ]
Tonight, our subject is a little uncomfortable.
[ Laughter ]
Brothers and sisters in Hollywood. Is incest the next chic trend cooked up by Sin City
to weaken the moral fiber of America? Joining us now is Bill Maher, host of
"Politically Incorrect."
[ Laughter ]
Bill, what do you make of all this? Dee Dee, it's nothing. Come on, she loves her
brother, you know?
[ Laughter ]
I mean, really, I have a sister. I love her. Does that make us sick, too?
[ Laughter ] Well, it's funny you mention that, Bill, because we have some footage of
you and your sister.
[ Laughter ]
Backstage at the Country Music Honors.
[ Laughter ] Oh, come on. I couldn't have been more surprised when they said my name. I
mean, I don't perform country music.
[ Laughter ]
Frankly, I don't even listen to it. But, listen, I got to say there's one person here
who has always understood me. And I am so glad she came out here from New Jersey for this.
This is my sister. You are the best. I love you.
[ Laughter ] I love you, too.
[ Laughter ] What?
[ Laughter ] You were kissing your sister. Yeah, so? I mean Bill, you were really
kissing your sister. Come on, we're a demonstrative family. We're Italian. You're Irish.
Whatever. See, this is the kind of sick thinking that you media types try to pass off as
journalism. You sit in your ivory towers judging how a brother and a sister should express
their love for each other. Look, I won a CMH, I was very excited.
[ Laughter ] Oh, I'll say. Look at this.
[ Laughter ]
What was that? She's a hugger.
[ Laughter ] You had your hands on her ass. Oh, please! Look, it's about family values.
My sister and I have always been inseparable. Oh, until a neighbor douses you with a hose.
Let's roll the rest of that.
[ Laughter ]
Well? Well, what? What do you want me to say? That nothing happened? Okay, I'll say it.
Nothing happened. Oh, that's a relief. She is such a tease.
[ Applause ] Ladies and gentlemen, the star of "Politically Incorrect" --
Bill Maher!
[ Applause ]
Bill's guests tonight -- All right, thank you very much.
Panel Discussion
Let's meet our panel, very funny comedienne, she won the Jury Award as this year's best
new comic at this year's Aspen Comedy Arts Festival -- Candy Ford. Candy.
[ Applause ]
Hey. And well deserved, I might add. I was there. Candy: Thank you very much. Bill:
There you go. He's the first $1 million winner on "Who Wants To Be A
Millionaire." But this weekend, he'll be collecting your taxes.
[ Light laughter ]
He is an IRS agent. John Carpenter. John.
[ Applause ]
[ Scattered boos ]
Oh, don't boo. She's a very funny actress, comedienne, she's got her very own radio
talk show on Seattle's the Buzz -- Kennedy.
[ Applause ]
Hello. Kennedy: I went for the mouth. Bill: And she's Xena on one of the most popular
television shows of all time. The people's Warrior Princess, Lucy Lawless.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Hey, you. Thank you very much. Okay. Kennedy: You're such a wuss, you kiss a model and
I went for a peck and you -- tease.
[ Laughter ]
Bill: Let's talk about taxes. John: All right. Bill: Get our [ bleep ] down.
[ Laughter ]
Now John, when you came out, I heard a couple of boos. And when you won "Who wants
to marry" -- "Who Wants To Marry" --
John: Whoa!
[ Laughter ]
Kennedy: Darva Conger! Bill: What is the name of the show, it's only the show that's
lifted my --
Lucy: Be a millionaire. "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire." Bill: "Be A
Millionaire." Right. I said, "We've got to book this guy on tax day." Tax
day happens over this weekend. You're going to have to pony up on Monday, if you haven't
already. And I think the basic question I want to ask is that we spend as Americans, a
third of every penny you earn, if we all pooled it together, goes to the government. Are
we getting our money's worth? John: I think we're getting a bargain.
[ Laughter ]
Candy: Yeah, you would. Bill: A bargain? Really? Candy: A millionaire would say that.
John: First, let's, you know, get it straight that, you know, America has, I mean the
American citizens are taxed -- if not the least taxed, are close to the least taxed in the
country -- in the world. In the world. Bill: It's true, in Europe they tax more. But I
mean --
Kennedy: They have so much to show for it, too.
[ Laughter ]
They really do. If you're a youngster, you can't rely on art and culture from 400 years
ago. John: We have the most stable form of government, pretty much, in the world. Kennedy:
We do? John: Yes, except for when they're trying to rip themselves apart inside, but, well
-- I --
Candy: Just let him talk, because he keeps digging. Kennedy: Exactly.
[ Laughter ]
I'm with Candy. Candy: He's doing the whole thing by himself, Bill.
[ Applause ]
Bill: Wait a minute, it is very easy to hate the IRS. And unfortunately, you are
working for the IRS. Kennedy: For someone to come on who just won $1 million and say,
"We're getting a bargain" --
Bill: But let me just --
Kennedy: -- Who works for the IRS. Candy: You can get a good hammer for $600. Bill:
Wait a second, Miss MTV Generation.
[ Laughter ]
Kennedy: Wait a second, Mr. Politically Correct. Bill: This is not politically correct,
this is honest, and the honesty is that you have no idea what you're getting for your
money. I think you are taking it for granted. You are free. You do not have to worry about
people from other countries attacking you. I mean, yes, cruise missiles cost a lot of
money. They all --
John: Canada, the border's undefended.
[ Laughter ]
Bill: That's right, when's the last time a Canadian came over --
Kennedy: And you think we take our freedom for you granted because we --
Bill: I think we completely take our freedom for granted. Kennedy: I agree that people
take their freedom for granted, in this country especially --
Bill: But freedom --
Kennedy: Younger generations who have never had to fight for anything. Bill: And
freedom is not free. The reason why the bad guys don't come knocking at our door is
because they know we're the baddest [ bleep ] --
[ Laughter ]
Kennedy: Yes, but the reason is --
Bill: Can you say that on ABC?
[ Laughter ]
Kennedy: The reason it was created was because some revolutionaries came over to this
country because they were sick out of taxation without representation. Bill: But we have
representation. Kennedy: And the representation is --
Bill: Bad. John: Sometimes. Bill: But we have it, we do not have -- you're saying we
don't have representation? Kennedy: No, I'm saying that, taxes were too high, taxes are
getting so high, I mean, I live in Seattle, where what we have to show for it is a brand
new $500 million baseball stadium. And, you know, potholes. Bill.
[ Laughter ]
Where are the priorities? Lucy: You have potholes in L.A., too. Bill: Do you know that
-- you talk about Seattle, which is where Bill Gates and Microsoft lives. In -- in Silicon
Valley, there are 60 new millionaires a day. A day. Lucy: I'm moving, man.
[ Laughter ]
Candy: Yeah, I'm gone. Lucy: I want a piece of that. Bill: Oh, please. If I had your
money, I'd throw mine away.
[ Laughter ]
Let's get serious.
[ Applause ]
There's a lot of money in princess warrioring.
[ Laughter ]
Lucy: You haven't got the legs, though or the breasts.
[ Laughter ]
Sadly. Kennedy: Well, if he moved to Silicon Valley, he could get some.
[ Laughter ]
Bill: The breasts, I'll give you. My legs are pretty good.
[ Laughter ]
Well, anyway, there are two shrinks up there who have developed a theory that there is
something called "Sudden Wealth Syndrome."
[ Laughter ]
John: When's the telethon coming? Bill: Right, I've been --
Lucy: You know, I do actually believe that when somebody makes a lot of money, you do
actually go through a period of adjustment at some point where you feel everybody's out to
get you and, "Something's wrong," and "Why am I not happy?" John: On
tax day, yeah. Lucy: You tithe three times over to the government, but I would, I would
recommend that they go out and invest $50 in a Tony Robbins tape or something or other,
get some help and deal with it. Bill: You don't really mean a Tony Robbins tape.
[ Laughter ]
I mean, that was just an example, right? Lucy: Well, I mean the guy's not paying me,
but yeah, no, I did that. And it helped a lot. Kennedy: Why not Fran Tarkenton? Candy:
That's another euphemism for somebody just completely messed up. Give me a break. Kennedy:
Why do they have to keep inventing these names for these -- people have issues, it doesn't
matter if you have money or if you've had a baby. You know, if you've got issues, you've
got issues. You know, if you have issues because you have money, it probably means you
have --
[ Talking over each other ]
Candy: Exactly, I want that syndrome.
[ Laughter ]
Bill: All right, I gotta --
[ All talking at once ]
I have to take the "Make Money Syndrome" right now. We'll be right back.
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Bill: All right, let's switch the subject from economics to homosexuality. That is the
first time I've done it. Only because George W. Bush -- the little Bush kid running for
President --
John: You mean Junior, right? Bill: I mean Junior -- the guy, the little kid who was
drunk.
[ Laughter ]
Until he was like, 40 -- he's running, and he got to be governor, now he's running for
president, just the American dream. He has been avoiding for a long time meeting with the
log cabin Republicans, I mentioned that in the monologue. Lucy: Are they like the bears?
Bill: The what? Lucy: Are they like the bears? Bill: The beers?
[ Light laughter ]
Lucy: What's with the log cabin? What goes on in the log cabin? Bill: Wait a minute, I
gotta hear what that word is. Lucy: The bears. Kennedy: Its the big fat --
[ Laughter ]
Bill: Oh, the bears. Candy: They're called papa bears. Kennedy: And then they're bear
cubs. Candy: Bear cubs and papa bears. Bill: You speak so funny.
[ Laughter ]
Wow.
[ All talking at once ]
Kennedy: Then there's a thing, you pick a straw, never mind.
[ Laughter ]
Bill: Well, the log cabin Republicans are the gay Republicans. Don't ask me why. There
are gay Republicans. Kennedy: Why wouldn't there be gay Republicans? Candy: Well, it's
like a black Klan member.
[ Laughter ]
Kennedy: No, it's not.
[ Wild cheers and applause ]
Bill: Yeah. Kennedy: If I were -- if I were gay, I would still be a Republican. There's
no way I would be a Democrat. Candy: Are you a Republican? Kennedy: I'm a registered
Republican, I'm an ideological Libertarian.
[ Laughter ]
Candy: Lucy?
[ Imitating Ricky Ricardo ]
"Lucy?"
[ Laughter ]
Bill: Why would you be a Republican if you were gay? I don't understand. Kennedy:
Because I think the Republican Party used to stand for mavericks and freedom. Bill: Used
to. John: Used to. Kennedy: And social responsibility --
[ All talking at once ]
And it still can, and someone like John McCain, who spoke to many people --
Bill: Who lost. Kennedy: Yes, well he lost because he was squashed by a very vocal
minority, a section of the party that is controlled -- by gay-bashing Christians, God
bless them --
[ Laughter ]
Bill: Well --
Candy: Hell fire. Bill: Okay, here's your gay Republican sympathy. Kennedy: Yeah. Bill:
George Bush, who is the nominee. Kennedy: Yeah. Bill: Okay, we're in reality now. Candy:
Did you say Nazi? Bill: No. Candy: He's reaching out. Bill: As a symbolic gesture of
traditional values -- God knows we need more of them -- he would veto any repeal of a
Texas law criminalizing gays for sodomy in their own bedroom. In other words, he's still
for that, that you can bust somebody for committing sodomy -- and by way, sodomy includes
anything that's fun.
[ Laughter ]
Right? I mean, technically, sodomy is --
Kennedy: Where's that model, show us. Bill: Anyway, so --
[ Laughter ]
Because Bush is trying to move back to the middle of the bed -- kidding, he met with
the log cabin Republicans yesterday. He's trying to cozy up to them. Candy: No pun
intended. Bill: And Frank Rich, the brilliant Frank Rich, writing in "The New York
Times," says he thinks that George Bush, by distancing himself from the gay
Republicans, has really missed a beat here. He says things have changed in America, and
Americans are now less homophobic than they used to be. Lucy: And George W. Believed them?
Is that why he went to them? Kennedy: He's trying to liberalize himself, because he made
himself so conservative in the primaries so he could win states like South Carolina, that
now he has to come out and charm the rest of America who's bored to death by this closet
Republican Al Gore who's really a liberal and in fascist clothing and --
Lucy: Is he gay as well? John: Liberal? Kennedy: Well, if you were gay, would you go
for Al or would you go for George? Candy: I would go for suicide. Kennedy: The obvious
choice is the man with the nice puckering tight buttocks, and that's Al Gore.
[ Laughter ]
So George W. Bush has to come in and he has to, he has to --
Lucy: I'd go for Madeleine Albright.
[ Laughter ]
Kennedy: Would you go for Madeleine Albright or Janet Reno? Lucy: Madeleine. Candy:
Janet Reno looks like more of a cuddler. Bill: If I may interrupt --
Kennedy: Women like to cuddle. Bill: And ask a question. John: Is this "Blind
Date" now? Candy: Where did he get that America is less homophobic? Where is he
living? This is what I want to know. Bill: Well, that's what he's saying. Candy: It's not.
Bill: -- Is that America is less homophobic, that America is sort of over its homophobia,
and I don't know if that's really true.
[ Talking over each other ]
John: You see it a lot more. Candy: Over? John: You see it a lot more on TV and
whatnot. Bill: You're talking about homosexuality. John: More exposure. No pun intended,
once again.
[ Laughter ]
Candy: More exposure, but that doesn't mean it's more acceptable. Bill: Like "Will
and Grace." John: That's what I'm saying, it's a big country. It may be more accepted
in certain areas, but --
Kennedy: I disagree, I think people are coming out younger. I think that at gay pride
parades, there's a sense of apathy, and so many -- like the gay pride parade in Seattle
used to be so much fun because it was the dangerous rebellious thing, and now so many
people go to it, it's like, "Oh look, a bunch of gay guys dancing on a van."
"Oh, yeah, a bunch of guys in chaps." Lucy: They're all bored, so they're
staying at home. Kennedy: Yeah, I mean -- and, I think so many more people know someone
who's come out, and I think that is the key to accepting gay people in this country. Is to
really know someone close to you and really love someone who has made that decision. Bill:
What's it like down under, Princess Warrior?
[ Laughter ]
Lucy: That's "Warrior Princess." Bill: I mean, what's their view of it down
there? Lucy: We have got -- I'm sad to say it's -- we have the highest suicide rate of
teens in the world. And I think a lot of that, we attribute to a traditionally macho
society, even though it's the first place where women got the vote in the world, there's a
lot of very strong women lived there and drive society, but it's still a very macho
society, and I think --
Bill: So you're saying --
Lucy: A lot of that we attribute to people who are afraid to come out. Bill: So you're
saying if you're gay and a teenager, you feel like there's no hope, that's why they do
that? Lucy: Yeah, that seems to be the feeling. Bill: But you know, in this country, a lot
of people would say it's not any better. Lucy: I don't think it is. Candy: It's not. An
11-year-old boy just put a shotgun in his mouth 2 1/2 years ago because he was gay, and he
had nowhere to go. 11 years old. Bill: And yet America seems to have turned the corner on
other sexual matters. I mean, when Clinton was being impeached, the Republicans kept up
their drumbeat that he is an evil man by releasing more and more salacious material,
thinking this will be the thing that turns America. And it never did. They were like -- I
remember people came on my show -- inside Republicans, who knew it was coming. And I knew
-- looking back -- that they were thinking about the cigar thing. Because that hadn't come
out yet. And they were like, "Oh wait until they hear this." And then, America
was like, "Hey, he played with a cigar."
[ Laughter ]
"What a guy." Kennedy: This is one of the things where the left has to lead,
and people in show business embrace homosexuality, yet very few people, very few actors
and really famous people come out of the closet, because they're scared of what people
will think. But I think if people do that sooner and really show who they are --
Bill: Like name some names, name some people who should probably --
[ Laughter ]
Kennedy: Okay, I'll do that. Bill: Name some people who should come out and lead the
way? Kennedy: I think Ellen DeGeneres should come out, because I think she's gay. Candy:
I'm coming out right now. Bill: We'll get on her case. We've got to take a break. Kennedy:
And Rupert Everett. Bill: We'll be right back.
[ Applause ]
Announcer: Join us next week on "Politically Incorrect," when Bill's guests
will be -- Recording artist Joey McIntyre, the one and only Joan Rivers, recording artist
Sisqo' and living legend Dick Clark.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Bill: Okay. Let's talk about fame here for a second, because John, you know it's
interesting, I saw you on the cover of "TV Guide." Candy: "People"?
Bill: "People" magazine, I mean, you have really had quite a run here from being
the first "Millionaire" winner, and --
Lucy: Do you have an agent or something? Seriously, do you? John: No, I don't. Bill: He
is an agent.
[ Laughter ]
He's an IRS agent. John: Officer. Kennedy: How do people find you? John: Um, well -- I
think, you know, ABC must have, they had to know it was going to happen eventually, and
they must have had a crisis team all prepared. Lucy: It's good to be on a crisis team.
John: And a war room, all the contacts and connections and --
Lucy: You were practicing for your syndrome? John: No, ABC had the crisis team. Bill: I
think there is a bit of a backlash against people who get their "15 minutes." I
mean, Monica Lewinsky, there's a lot of resentment of her, because people think she didn't
start at the bottom and work her way to the top.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
John: Double entendre right here. Bill: If you want to make that into a --
Lucy: If that girl gets anything positive out of that whole experience --
Kennedy: Should be herpes, right?
[ Laughter ]
Lucy: Good for her. Candy: She got famous for sleeping with someone. Bill: Not
sleeping.
[ All talking at once ]
No one got any sleep. Candy: Well, I mean, okay, you know, whatever you want to
describe it as, you know. She did the do, but I mean, if you get famous from that, I
should have my own show by now.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Fine. I mean, come on, who's really walking around with a Monica Lewinsky purse,
anybody? Bill: Yeah, that's good.
[ All talking at once ]
Kennedy: She sold 12 or something. Candy: Look at the Darva Conger ensemble.
[ All talking at once ]
John: I just gotta find something to sell. I gotta put my name on something. Kennedy:
Maybe Darva Conger could get clothes made by children in Taiwan. Candy: It's our fault,
not their fault. We keep tuning in looking at these morons. Kennedy: And that little Cody
Gifford filing a lawsuit? What the hell is wrong with this culture? John: Cody, huh?
Kennedy: That's another one, Kathie Lee's son is filing a lawsuit, he's 10. Lucy: Against
who? Kennedy: I mean, that's something you would do when you were 10, you seem like a
10-year-old that would file a lawsuit.
[ Laughter ]
Bill: Who is he filing a lawsuit against? Kennedy: Against some tabloid because they
said he was obnoxious. Bill: The kid is filing the lawsuit? Kennedy: Yes. Bill: We've got
to send this kid back to Cuba. That's what I think. Candy: Exactly. Bill: We've got to
take another commercial. Candy: They'll never know. Bill: We'll be right back.
[ Applause ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Bill: All right. I want to say next week we're in repeats. There's no denying it. But,
we are going to jail to film more shows that are going to be on in may. You're going for
love this, we're going to be in America's toughest jail, with -- okay, Monday, we have
Little Richard, Tom Arnold, Tony Robbins and Angela McLaughlin. ---
